CHAMPION AND PROFESSOR FIDO AT THE EARTH’S CORE (ADJACENT)

Please, enjoy a piece of short fiction featuring Champion the supercat along with Professor Fido, evil genius and very bad dog.

The asteroid bore down on the Earth in a clinical chart on the TV. Twelve hours until planetfall read the banner underneath as the reporters talked about the incoming end of the world.

“You should do something about that,” Todd said to Champion.

The blue and green cat curled across his lap stretched. “I will. Just give me a minute.”

Todd scratched her head as she shifted position. He wasn’t worried. There was still time to avert the apocalypse, but cats did everything in their own time.

Professor Fido telekinetically slid open the glass door to the backyard and walked over to Todd. “I see the infernal feline has still not deigned to act.”

“I’ll get to it,” said Champion as Todd rubbed her chin.

Professor Fido huffed as he scratched behind his ear. “Todd, if you would be so kind as to accompany me to the backyard. I have something of great importance to show you.”

“I’ve seen the squirrel, Professor.”

Fido glared. “Not the squirrel, though he vexes me greatly. In his arrogance, he dances from branch to branch, taunting me. Laughing at me, his physical and intellectual superior. I, Professor Fido, a god among dogs and humanity! Oh, but his day of reckoning is coming! And his shall be a glorious comeuppance. My retribution shall reduce that oak tree haven of his to a smoking crater.”

“Don’t destroy my oak tree,” said Todd.

The unkempt mutt wrinkled his nose. “A necessary sacrifice. I will take no pleasure in it.”

Todd moved Champion off his lap. She stretched before settling on the pillow beside him.

“Do not destroy my oak tree,” said Todd again, this time with more authority.

Fido shrugged. “Fine. Fine. I won’t touch a leaf on your precious tree.”

“And don’t hurt that squirrel.”

Professor Fido jumped back. His ears flattened. When especially annoyed, his German accent rose to the forefront. “Ach du lieber himmel! You tie my paws behind my back against my greatest nemesis.”

“I thought Champion was your greatest nemesis.”

“I can have more than one,” replied Fido.

“I don’t know if that’s how we define greatest,” said Todd.

“This is no time to debate the limits of your semantic imagination. We must hurry outside where you and I shall save the world thanks to my astounding intellect.”

That got Todd’s attention. He followed Fido into the backyard. Champion floated lazily alongside them. They passed by the squirrel.

“Hi, Bob,” said Todd to the squirrel.

“Hi, Todd.” replied the squirrel before disappearing. Whether he teleported away or just went invisible, Todd hadn’t figured out yet.

“Sneaky little bastard,” grumbled Fido.

“Saving the world doesn’t seem your style, Professor,” said Todd, getting Fido back on track.

“Ja, Ja. It is my destiny to one day rule. But I would rather not rule a smoking pile of rubble, and if that cat of yours isn’t going to do the job—”

“I’ll get to it,” said Champion, now hovering over Todd’s shoulder. “Just need to squeeze in my late afternoon nap. Then maybe watch some birds.”

Fido stopped before his doghouse. He pressed his paw in a specific pattern on the welcome mat before it that read Genius at Work. A device raised out of the ground and pointed at him.

“Imminent self-destruct initiated,” spoke a calm, robotic voice.

“Professor . . . ” said Todd.

“Calm your nerves.” Fido put his eye to the device, which scanned him.

“Self-destruct aborted. Welcome, Professor.” A robotic hand broke through the grass and petted Fido twice on the head. “Good boy.”

The doghouse slid to one side, revealing a metallic platform just large enough for Fido and Todd to stand. It lowered itself into the earth as Champion hovered alongside them.

“When did you have time to build a secret lair?” asked Todd.

“Remember that week you went on vacation?”

“I hired a petsitter.”

“Jenny,” said Fido. “Lovely girl. My favorite thing about her was her susceptibility to my hypno-ray.”

They descended deep underground, stopping at a lab bristling with forbidden scientific engineered foraged from whatever Fido would find. The low ceiling forced Todd to crouch.

“Is that my waffle maker?” he asked, spotting the appliance covered in wires and blinking lights. “When I asked you if you had anything to do with its disappearance—”

“I lied.” Fido’s tail fell. Despite dreams of conquest, he didn’t like lying and was usually pretty bad at it. “A necessary ruse for the greater good. Your waffle maker is the linchpin, the very heart of this facility.”

“And what about all these VCRs?” asked Champion.

Fido pause before a wall of the machines, all humming with activity. “Humanity never truly grasped the awesome power of Betamax, which is just as well. It most likely would have destroyed them.”

“How did you get this all down here?” asked Todd.

“Puppy’s play,” replied Fido. “Once I enslaved the moles, the rest was easy.”

“Enslaved?”

“Details,” said Fido. “Detail, dear boy. We must put aside your delicate sensibilities for the moment. Together, we shall save the world, which renders any enslaving on my part hardly a crime at all.”

A large screen showed the familiar graphic of the asteroid heading toward Earth. Todd shuffled thoughts of mole enslavement to the back of his mind, to be brought up again at a better time.

Fido stood before a panel that had more buttons and glowing bits than anything else in the lab, which was saying something. “Behold, the gravity ray, my greatest invention. Up to now. With this device, we shall safely divert the asteroid, preventing the collision and allowing its cosmic dance to continue.”

“Diverting, huh,” said Todd. “That doesn’t seem like your style either.”

“Blowing it up would be more fun,” admitted Fido. “But the calculations are the calculations and this minimizes damage to my future empire.”

“I could push it out of the way,” said Champion. “After my post-afternoon nap.”

Fido continued. “I have already fed the proper coordinates to the machine. Now, I simply need someone to turn the other key while I turn mine.”

“A safety feature?” said Todd.

“The gravity ray is too great a power for any single mind to control, even mine. Unleashed carelessly, say to destroy an arrogant squirrel for example, it might tear this very world asunder. Now, are you done questioning my wisdom or can we get on with it?”

An alarm sounded. The klaxon caused Todd to jump, banging his head on the low ceiling.

A screen descended, showing dozens of dots tunneling their way toward the lab.

“Blast,” said Fido. “The mole resistance would choose this time to strike! The fools know not the delicacy of this operation.”

A blast knocked Todd and Fido off their feet. As the smoke cleared, a mole scurried forward. It was small and gray, and its eyes burned bright red.

“Your reign of tyranny ends today, Fido,” squeaked the creature.

“Prince Talpidae!” shouted the Professor. “My greatest nemesis!”

A regiment of moles filed in behind Talpidae. Champion put herself between the army and Todd.

“Okay, let’s just take a minute,” said Todd. “We can work this all out without violence.”

“He doesn’t speak for me,” said Fido.

Talipdae’s eyes glowed brighter. “We don’t negotiate with tyrants. We destroy them.”

Todd held up his hands and spoke calmly. “Just let us do this thing, and I’ll have a talk with him. He’ll do what I say. He always does. Eventually.”

“That’s not true,” grumbled Fido.

“So you are his superior?” said the Prince.

Fido half-barked, half-laughed.

Todd nodded. “You could say that.”

“Then you are responsible for his crimes against molekind?”

“No, I didn’t—”

Talipdae’s eyes unleashed a blast of energy that would have disintegrated Todd where he crouched, but Champion intercepted. The blast ricocheted off the indestructible feline, missing the waffle iron by only a few feet.

“Fools!” said Fido. “Protect the heart at all cost or we are all doomed!”

“Sic semper tyrannis!” shrieked the Prince.

The moles poured through the breach, rushing toward the appliance. Champion flew into them, knocking them all aside. They posed no threat to her, but there were a lot of them. She would only be able to hold them off for a few moments.

“Quickly!” said Fido. “Turn your key on my mark!”

Todd jumped to the gravity ray. He and Fido twisted their keys. The machine vibrated with such force as to shake the earth itself. Still more moles poured through, filling the lab like a flood. The last thing Todd saw before being submerged beneath a tide of angry mammals was the screen reading Diversion Successful.

Then a mole smashed the waffle iron, and everything went black.

***

The most difficult part of the peace talks was finding the right venue. Todd set up a tent in the backyard which proved shady enough for the mole emissary. He found a kid’s folding table, where Fido and Prince Talpidae now sat across from each other.

“We of the Mole Kingdom’s demand nothing less than total liberation,” said the Prince as he munched on a cup of complimentary earthworms. “And fifty pounds of beetles.”

Todd said, “I’ll see what I can do.”

Professor Fido turned up his nose. “Unacceptable.”

They continued their squabbling. Todd stepped out of the tent to allow them to tire each other out as he used his phone to search for beetle delivery services.

“You know,” said Todd to Champion. “This would have been a lot easier if you’d just taken care of that asteroid yourself.”

“I was going to.” Champion blinked up at him with her shining blue eyes. “Eventually.”

She sauntered away, her tail swishing back and forth.

“Cats,” said Bob the squirrel from a nearby branch. “What are you going to do?”